The Silent
Dear Myself in-reading 10 years from now,
There are a moment, when you are lost for words, when you realize that you are screaming without any voices.
All the voices are only in your head, in your thought, and in your heart.
You crying, but no tears coming out. You wounded, but no blood coming out. All of it are inside. Internally.
Sigh.
I am a fool. A fat one. A fat short fool, who thought that he loves me, he likes me, as much as I love him and like him.
I thought that he could be the one. I swear I even pray for that. For him to be the one. But Allah knows better. Allah knew better.
I try to gather my courage. All over again. Again and again I failed. As I do not have any strength anymore. I lose my faith in what people called love. I lose my trust of what human call a man.
Today I read a status from a girl named Suraya Anuar and she quote, " Now don't say you're 28 and still not married! Age is not a factor, being single is better than marrying a jerk"
Yes, she spoke the truth. Even though he is not a jerk.
He is a nice guy, with a wrong decision. He choose her over me and i am totally okay with it. At least that what I thought. At first.
Now the longing is hitting me. The long to look into his eyes, to play our favorite basketball together, to speak with him in an awkward conversation, or at least to even have a moment of playful side of him. Yes, I miss those.
At that moment, when he start to walked away, I just looked at his tall build back, saw his broad shoulder, saw his brooding hair and his backpack, walked until his body totally disappeared into the car and gone.
I cried.
I cried for God knows how long.
I cried as I realized that I lost him. And I felt like it was my fault, for not fight harder. I should tried harder to make him stay, to make him mine. Instead, I let him go, I gave him a chance to be with that girl, even I know he hates it at first. But he is a man after all.
Eventually, he will attracted to her, for the time she spent with him. More than me, more than enough for him to be close to her and left me.
I am a jerk, in this case, not him. My ego is bigger than the universe. My pride is bigger than the sun. So who am I to blame? Him? No. Because I thought if I ignore him for a moment, he will crawled back to me, like a puppy or like a kitten. But I was WRONG. Totally wrong.
He gone. And forever gone.
Now, I am a LONER.
There are a moment, when you are lost for words, when you realize that you are screaming without any voices.
All the voices are only in your head, in your thought, and in your heart.
You crying, but no tears coming out. You wounded, but no blood coming out. All of it are inside. Internally.
Sigh.
I am a fool. A fat one. A fat short fool, who thought that he loves me, he likes me, as much as I love him and like him.
I thought that he could be the one. I swear I even pray for that. For him to be the one. But Allah knows better. Allah knew better.
I try to gather my courage. All over again. Again and again I failed. As I do not have any strength anymore. I lose my faith in what people called love. I lose my trust of what human call a man.
Today I read a status from a girl named Suraya Anuar and she quote, " Now don't say you're 28 and still not married! Age is not a factor, being single is better than marrying a jerk"
Yes, she spoke the truth. Even though he is not a jerk.
He is a nice guy, with a wrong decision. He choose her over me and i am totally okay with it. At least that what I thought. At first.
Now the longing is hitting me. The long to look into his eyes, to play our favorite basketball together, to speak with him in an awkward conversation, or at least to even have a moment of playful side of him. Yes, I miss those.
At that moment, when he start to walked away, I just looked at his tall build back, saw his broad shoulder, saw his brooding hair and his backpack, walked until his body totally disappeared into the car and gone.
I cried.
I cried for God knows how long.
I cried as I realized that I lost him. And I felt like it was my fault, for not fight harder. I should tried harder to make him stay, to make him mine. Instead, I let him go, I gave him a chance to be with that girl, even I know he hates it at first. But he is a man after all.
Eventually, he will attracted to her, for the time she spent with him. More than me, more than enough for him to be close to her and left me.
I am a jerk, in this case, not him. My ego is bigger than the universe. My pride is bigger than the sun. So who am I to blame? Him? No. Because I thought if I ignore him for a moment, he will crawled back to me, like a puppy or like a kitten. But I was WRONG. Totally wrong.
He gone. And forever gone.
Now, I am a LONER.
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